If you’re hoping for a blog about weddings, here’s one here. The following is more like a personal journal post. With lots on my mind, I’m going to take this opportunity to organize some of my thoughts.
Ever awake abruptly, in the snoring dark, with a disorienting sense that the universe just turned a corner? Or with a sense that whatever mysterious forces are at the steering wheel of your life, they’ve just decisively turned left on some road or other, and now you’re on the move, elsewhere, in some important sense? Then you think, ‘Why am I asleep for my own life’s most important decisions?’ And, if you’re like me, you don’t know exactly where you’re headed, other than a hunch that you’re not ready to explain yet. And of course, tomorrow morning won’t be dramatically different. Maybe a bad hair day. But some big change is coming soon enough. You might even notice that the way you wear your face feels a little different. And for some reason, you’re really aware of the shift suddenly, the drool still warm on your pillow. And…for myself…I’m sitting there, blurry-eyed in bed at 3AM, saying ‘maybe this is just the hangover of some weird dream”. But I know it’s not. It’s a new chapter coming, and the end of this one.
That’s sort of where I’m at. New life chapter stuff.
The little control-freak in my brain sees, for a short delicious moment, how very little is controllable. The wheels of life spin, and I’m but a tiny hand on deck. And so the control-freak sits back, and through its eyes I’m watching myself shift, organically, effortlessly. Watching the ride. Like rIght now I’m watching myself write a blog that doesn’t have much to do about this wedding, and I’m evaluating what I say, deciding after-the-fact how much of this is honesty and how much is whim and word-play. And I’m trying to decide how much to share with the internet.
Big life changes are, for me, like horses running wild through the landscape of chance and opportunity. I admire those lucky people who tame or seduce opportunity more easily–those people who find themselves in big homes with fancy cars, respectable careers, surrounded by loving people, a fine credit score and always a socially-appropriate opinion at hand, and herbal tea in the other. For me, I sometimes feel like it’s harder. It’s all wild horses. Some trample me badly and sometimes I get my rope around one and ride, but most just pass me by at breakneck speed. When I manage to grab one, the next thing I know it’s like: Ta-da! I’m an English teacher in Korea. Or ta-da! I’m a photographer. Or I’m upside down in my dad’s truck, wondering if I’m dead. (Ta-da!)
The wild horse is some sort of….vision. It’s what Tony Robbin’s calls a “compelling future”. Something to aim at. You see it coming, this enchanting opportunity, and if your courage is properly screwed on to your sticking place, then you can give it a real shot, and the labyrinth of the future condenses into a fork: down one path is success, and failure exists down the other. And failure is sometimes real bad. Maybe you break a truck, or your back, and always your heart is broken—at least a bit. More than you know. So there’s a real risk. Is that part of what makes these wild horses so interesting? Must be.
So Rae and I are, as of September of next year (2019), starting over (again), career-wise. I don’t know much of what we’re going to do except that, if the right people give me the thumbs up, I’ll be heading to school to study psychology in greater depth. Rae is feeling her way in another direction, but we’ve got each others’ hand, and wherever we end up, we’ll be side-by-side. As a photography team, we’ll likely limit the numbers of weddings we shoot to 4-6 per year. I’m sure we’ll have more to say as we sort it out.
Totally unrelatedly, I hope you enjoy some images of one of this summer’s most gorgeous weddings. S & F know how to throw a bash.